7 Ways to Make & Maintain Friends as an Adult
If you’re like me, you may have noticed that something changes about friendships when we become an adult. We no longer see our friends in class every day or hang out in the dorm together talking about every last detail of our lives. Instead, we find ourselves trying to keep up at work while maintaining our homes and juggling multiple new responsibilities. Rather than friends in the same place we are in life, we find ourselves surrounded by people in all different seasons and walks of life—friends who are married or not, have kids or don’t, are deep into their careers or just starting out. With so many variables and responsibilities, it can be easy to settle for superficial relationships rather than experience real connection friendship provides.
That is why this week I am sharing with you 7 tips that I have found helpful for making and maintaining friendships as an adult.
1. Make community essential
Don’t kid yourself; we all need friends. Even the most recluse and introverted people need friends. Maybe you’ve been on your own for a while. You are starting to feel lonely but wonder if you really need anyone else. I promise that you do! Science has revealed that friendships not only boost our happiness and sense of purpose, but also reduce stress and make us healthier overall. Make community an essential part of your life. Make it a point to go places and get involved in activities that allow you to meet new people and connect. We all have to be intentional to choose our priorities in such a busy world, but it’s worth making community one of them. Twice a week, once a month—the timing isn’t as important as just being intentional to invest in those around you.
2. Quality over quantity
We all need quality friends. Don’t fall into the social media trap. Lots of friends or followers does not equal meaningful connection. Social media is a fantastic tool for staying connected but it can never replace a deep one-to-one conversation over coffee. We may feel we know what is going on in others’ lives because we see their status updates, but true friendships are built through conversation not comments or likes. Take the time to nurture a few close relationships.
3. Expect false starts
Not every friendship will blossom. You wouldn't marry the first person you met right? So just because you have a great conversation with someone doesn't mean they will end up being a close friend and that is OK! Don't take it personally. Just keep plugging along and making an effort. You will find a good match and it will benefit both of you. Finding meaningful friendships can have some trial and error involved. Keep at it!
4. Make it a thing
Ever had a close friend and then not see them for months because "life happened?" We’ve all been there. The long stream of text messages with canceled plans and "What day works for you?" For the friendships you would like to grow, make it a point to set something consistent on the calendar. Everyone has hectic schedules and loads of responsibilities, so plan ahead. Decide that on every fourth Saturday of the month you will get together. Set up a phone call every other Tuesday afternoon. Whatever it may be, make it a thing.
5. Follow-up
Just because they don’t reach out doesn’t mean they don’t want to be your friend. Follow up! That person may really want to talk or hang out but from their perspective things seem too busy and they don’t want to be a bother. Perhaps they have been hurt in a past friendship and just need someone to reach out. Listen to your intuition about people because often times it’s correct. Reach out to friends often and let them know you are thinking of them and would love to talk or hang. You never really know what is going on until you ask. Don't jump to conclusions and make assumptions. You may be surprised what friendships develop out of a simple follow up text.
6. Show-up
Make it a point to show up. Remember the details about their life. Hang in there with them through transitional seasons. We all go through changes whether it is a new career, getting married, moving, having kids. You may not see someone as often as you used to but the friendship still has value. As long as you care for them and have something in common, make it a point to stick with it and not let the friendship die. If you are waiting for them to do something nice for you, try doing something nice for them. Listen if they need you to listen. Help if they need you to help. What makes a friendship deeper than surface level is showing up when things get messy. Or caring enough to disagree and show up again rather than using it as an excuse to quit doing the hard work of understanding. When you show-up again and again over the years and choose to care—that is how to create a life long friend.
7. Bring your real self
Okay, here’s the biggie. If you want the real deal, you have to be the real you. It seems we’ve all become so good at bringing our Facebook statuses to our relationships, putting our polished selves on display. But deep down I think we all know that real friendships aren’t built on perfection, but on authenticity. And authenticity requires vulnerability. We have to learn to let others get a peek at the messy moments along with the celebratory ones, the fears along with the highlights. Sure you can tell your friends about that great new job you just got, but maybe you should also let them know you’re scared of not being able to keep up. Tell them how awesome your partner is, but also that sometimes you feel disconnected and lonely anyway. I’m not saying you should share your deepest woes every time you get together, because only a counselor can handle that. But you can share a cup of coffee and let down the filter so they know that the person they’re hanging out with is one who’s more interested in a friend than appearances.
There you have it! I hope this has been helpful and encouraging. When was a time you made an unlikely friend? Leave your story in the comments below and tag a friend.